Life - or something like it

There is a sense of realization that life has come a full circle, as I sweep the cobwebs and clean the dust that has gathered on this space. My last post was nearly 10 months back and this period has been one of rediscovery and shedding off my old self. The last year has been one of rebirth, rejuvenation, testing my endurance and understanding my own strength. Last year, at this time, I had completed my 40th birthday and was lying on the hospital bed, groggy from the anaesthesia and medicines pumped in my body, during my hysterectomy . It was one of the scariest, as well as a very hopeful period of my life. Scary, cause I was worried about the outcome and full of hope because of the promise of a pain-free future. After 7 years of struggling with pain, it was a testing time to know how life will unfold. I have not been writing much in the past year, not that I did not want to, it was just a decision I took to  rest and recover and find a new direction in life. The period...

There have been many times in the past few months, when I had thought of quitting blogging altogether. My last post was nearly 6 months back. Life has been on a tumultuous ride since the past few years and I have been trying to hold on to my sanity, with all my strength. Many times, I did get an itch to write, but it slowly got drowned in the cacophony of stress, anger and disappointments. Shilpa Garg from "A Rose is a Rose is a Rose"  recently showcased my blog on her super successful blog. She wrote sweet and kind words, and I am very thankful to her for sending love and readers my way. Her blog post and the lovely readers were a motivation enough to scratch that WRITING itch. Thanks Shilpa, for prodding me to wake up my blog from its slumber. My old blog readers have already read about my struggle with infertility and I have openly talked about it in my posts  "My experiments with infertility"  and "Dealing with infertility"  . I wrote of my heartac...

There is a hollow in the pit of my stomach and a dull ache in my heart today, when I think of you my child and at my stillborn attempt at becoming a mother. People say it is time I was healed and had mended my broken heart, but the scars are still raw and bleeding. People say I have mourned enough and that it was time to let go. I want to believe them but my tears speak a different story. Can grief have an expiration date? I ask them. I long to hold you in my arms and look into your eyes as you look up at me in wonderment.I want to caress your soft skin and smell that baby smell, which is a part of me. I want to wipe your tears away and hold you tight so that you feel safe and loved. I want to hear your sweet giggles and the pitter patter of your tiny feet as walk in your squeaky shoes. I want to hear the chimes of your sweet, innocent voice. I want to experience the sleepless nights, the dirty diapers and the strength with which you hold my thumb in your tiny fingers, giving...

I could see the bright light through my closed eyes, I knew it was there, I was sure that it was not a dream. I tried to speak, but my mouth felt as if it was taped shut. I could hear them speaking, there were words, low murmurs, sound of metal striking metal. I felt a pressure on my abdomen and heard water gushing some where. Photo Courtesy:  Free Digital Photos My heart was fluttering and I was unable to swallow. I wanted to move my hands and scream, 'I am awake', 'I can feel and hear you'. I tried to open my mouth to scream but no words came out. My hands felt as if they were made of lead. I used all my strength to move them, to lift a finger, to show them I was awake. No one could hear the scream inside my head. I was a trapped inside a nightmare, from which there no escape. My confused mind started playing tricks and I thought I was in a bad dream. A nightmare, that was so vivid that it seemed unreal. I thought, that I will wake up soon and feel silly abou...

After I wrote the post My experiments with infertility where I lay bare my soul, I received a lot of support from all you dear friends who read my blog. I would like to thank each one of you for being so kind to me in this difficult time. Your emails, messages, texts and calls have given me strength to carry on, thank you. Many people congratulated me for being brave to have  written  about how am dealing with infertility. I believe that just like people who have a hole in their heart or suffer from diabetes, infertility is a disease and there is nothing to be ashamed of being infertile. In 2009,WHO (World Health Organisation) has defined ‘Infertility’ as a disease. This is not self inflicted and can happen to anybody. Why do then people feel ashamed of talking about it? After reading my post, some friends felt sorry for me and others had an instant advice ‘Have you thought of adoption? ‘. This question makes be furious . Instead of asking me, how I am coping, people ha...